Personal
I wish there was a way to correctly convey all the mixed emotions I’m experiencing lately.
As a musical director, I don’t feel proud of my work because there’s a huge part of me that knows that all the talent came from the cast I had the pleasure of working with. Although it got frustrating, although there was disrespect at times, I believe that most people enjoyed the process and, as a result, were willing to put more of themselves into the music. It is their cooperation that was wonderful, not my work. So, as a musical director I love the cast and love the sounds that they’ve produced. I pray that their experience has been as enlightening, if not more enlightening, than mine.
As a performer, I’m completely lost. I’m growing constantly, learning more about myself, more about the world and learning how to apply that to my art. Looking back at being a musical director, though, I see how much I love helping others. The most gratifying experience that I’ve had was knowing that I was able to improve the self-image of some people around me, that I was able to open their eyes to maybe a fraction of their inner beauty. And here is my dilemma, because when I perform it is all for myself. It is my emotional outlet, it is my artistic outlet. But that’s the thing: it’s mine. It’s something that is meant to be shared, yet I still know that my intentions behind performing are selfish.
As a friend, I have no idea how to balance all these things. I just have so many voices that I have no choice but to assume: daughter, sister, friend, mentor, actress, adult, teen… the list just goes on and on. In no way are these voices fake, they’re just different aspects of my personality which I choose to utilize. I know that I’ve let my best friend down recently, but at the same time I’ve learned all this about myself and I’ve been able to fulfill my need for helping others at her expense.
Finding equilibrium is impossible, but some part of me knows that if I ever do find it I’ll be hopelessly bored.
